- What Should I do Before Coming Out?
-
The coming out process is different for each person and in each
situation. Before an individual decides to come out, it could be
helpful to evaluate these suggestions in light of her or his own
personal situation and needs. Heterosexual allies can assist
friends who are LGBT by helping them consider these issues in their
process of deciding whether or not to come out.
• Are you sure about your sexual orientation? Don’t raise the
issue unless you’re able to respond with confidence to the
question, “Are you sure?” Confusion on your part will increase
others’ confusion and decrease their confidence in your
judgment.
• Are you comfortable with your sexual identity? Be clear about
your own feelings about being lesbian, gay, or bisexual or
transgender. If you’re wrestling with guilt or depression, get help
in getting over that before coming out to non-gay people. Coming
out can require a lot of energy and a reserve of positive
self-image. If you are comfortable with your identity, those to
whom you come out will often sense that, and have an easier time
accepting your disclosure.
• Do you have support? In the event you get a negative reaction,
there should be someone or a group that you can turn to for
emotional support and strength. Maintaining your sense of
self-worth is critical.
• Are you well informed about LGBT issues? The reactions of others
will most likely be based on a lifetime of information from a
homophobic society. If you’ve done some serious reading on the
subject, you’ll be prepared to answer their concerns and questions
with reliable and accurate information. Know some books that you
can share with others who might want to know more or have a contact
name for a P-FLAG chapter.
• Is this a good time? Timing can be very important. Be aware of
the mood, priorities, stresses, and problems of those with whom you
would like to share your identity. Choose a time when they’re not
dealing with major life concerns. What people are dealing with in
their own lives may affect their receptivity to your news.
• Can you be patient? Others will require time to deal with this
new information. Remember that it took many of us a very long time
to come to terms with our sexuality. When you come out to non-gay
people, be prepared to give them time to adjust and to comprehend
what they learned. Don’t expect immediate acceptance, but try
instead to establish an on-going, caring dialogue.
• What’s your motive for coming out now? Hopefully, it is because
you care about the people you intend to come out to, and you are
uncomfortable with the distance you feel between you and them.
Never come out in anger or during an argument, using your sexuality
as a weapon. Have you tried to anticipate others’ reactions?
Consider your general relationship with those to whom you intend to
come out. What might their concerns be? How can you address those
concerns? What message do you want to send? For example, try to
affirm mutual caring and love before disclosing your news.
Emphasize that you are still the same person. (An excellent book to
help you consider these questions is Coming Out: An Act of Love by
Rob Eichberg.)
• Have you thought about how you will respond to negative
reactions? Be prepared that your revelation may surprise, anger, or
upset others at first. Try not to react angrily or defensively. Try
to let others be honest about their initial feelings, even if they
are negative. Remember that the initial reaction may not be the
long-term one. Keep the lines of communication open with people to
whom you come out. Respond to their questions and remember that
they are probably in the process of re-examining the myths and
stereotypes which we all have been exposed to. If you are rejected
by someone, do not lose sight of your own self-worth. Remember that
your coming out was a gift of sharing an important part of yourself
which that person has chosen to reject.
• Is this your decision?
Remember that the decision to come out is yours and you can decide
when, where, how, and to whom you wish to come out. Don’t be guilt
tripped or pressured into it before you’re ready. Coming out
decisions must be made carefully, and only you can weigh the
potential benefits and the potential consequences.
Coming out is an on-going process, not a single event. All people
who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual have to make decisions about when
and to whom to come out almost every day. Remember that you have
the right to ask anyone to whom you come out not to share your
disclosure with others. You may want to role-play and practice
before you tell someone. Although coming out gets a little easier
the more you do it, it’s important that your words and thoughts be
well chosen. Whenever you come out, reflect upon the experience and
learn from it, because there will always be a next time.
Adapted from “Coming Out to Your Parents” published by Parents
& Friends of Lesbians and Gays and from “About Coming Out”
published by the National Gay & Lesbian Task Force
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