- Stages in the Coming Out Process
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It is important to remember that coming out is not a single event,
but a life-long process, which may begin at any age. There are many
stages in the coming out process, and the fear or hatred that
comprises homophobia can be expressed outwardly through a variety
of prejudicial attitudes and discriminatory actions. The process is
not exactly the same for every person. Generally, the coming out
process begins with coming out to oneself; later stages of coming
out involve choosing to disclose one’s sexual orientation to
others.
Moving Toward a Recognition and Acceptance of One’s Own LGBT
Identity
This part of the coming out process involves becoming consciously
aware of one’s feelings for and attractions to people of the same
sex, or to people of both sexes if one is bisexual. Accepting those
feelings and attractions may involve “un-learning” myths,
misinformation, and stereotypes that one has been taught by society
about people who are lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Acceptance may also
involve grieving for the loss of one’s heterosexual identity (i.e.
feeling that one will never get married or have children, realizing
they may not have the perfect church wedding their parents dreamed
of for them, etc.). Another aspect of this stage may be working
through one’s fears about how others may react to their sexual
orientation and fears about the possibility of rejection by family
or friends. Developing a positive self-image is a crucial part of
the coming out process.
Coming Out to and Gaining Support from Other LGBT people
As individuals “un-learn” the myths and stereotypes that previously
formed the basis for their knowledge about homosexuality or
bisexuality, they may experience a need to replace that information
with more accurate and positive information. They may do this, in
part, by seeking out other LGBT people who can share their
experiences with them. Also, as an individual lets go of their
heterosexual identity, they may experience a sense of isolation, of
no longer fitting into the heterosexual world around them. They may
seek out people who are LGBT in order to develop a new sense of
community or belonging. People who are LGBT may be perceived as the
safest people to initially come out to since they are not likely to
react negatively or with prejudice. They may begin to develop a
support network that helps them feel more comfortable with and
established in their sexual orientation. This may include joining
lesbian, gay, and bisexual organizations, visiting a gay or lesbian
bar, participating in a counseling support group for people who are
LGBT, or coming out to non-LGBT people who are likely to be
supportive.
As individuals feel more comfortable with their sexual orientation,
they may begin to come out to heterosexual friends, family members,
or coworkers. Prior to actually coming out, they may begin to drop
hints to “test the waters” for possible reactions. Without
explicitly stating their sexual orientation, they may indicate with
whom they are spending time, or that they are not planning on
marriage. They may discuss issues related to LGBT people in general
in order to gauge others’ attitudes. Such preliminary steps can
make the actual revelation of their sexual orientation less
unexpected. As they experience positive reactions, they may feel
more and more able to come out to others. If they experience
negative reactions, they may go back into the closet for a period
of time, they may use their support network to retain their
self-confidence, or they may break off relationships with people
who are not accepting of their identity.
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